What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
