Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
