you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
