this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
