If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
