Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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