I think my fart just growled at me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
