I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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