fuck your aforementioned shoe
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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