My room smells like vodka and shame
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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