Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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