Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
