A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
