I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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