Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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