Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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