before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
