We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
