why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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