I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
