I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
