I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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