i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
