She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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