so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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