I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
