You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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