I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
