On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
