Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
