She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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