These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
