May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
