my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
