Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
