At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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