I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
