sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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