Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
