some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
