If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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