i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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