Swine flu. Run for my life!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize