Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
