Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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