I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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