my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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