Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
