hotel room ftw
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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