around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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