Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I will pee on everything he values.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
