worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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