I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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