Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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