I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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