Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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