I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
