Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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