I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
