that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You left your phone here
Wait...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
