Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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