I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
