First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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