recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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